Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Sometimes you are NOT fun, not planned, not reasonable, and not welcome. My friend is moving away. She's moving far. In, like, two weeks. There's no time to try to convince her to stay...and it's just a personal travesty. She's a singer. With her, my other friend and I can make a singing trio. Do you know how rare that is, Life? Do you? UGH!!!
Yesterday, we got together to practice for a song we were performing today...and I couldn't keep it together through her solo. Her voice broke me...and then we needed a good 10 minutes to get over it. I'm not one of those people who looks all pretty when they cry and can keep their timber. I look like my face is being stretched beyond possibility and I warble TERRIBLY. Me and crying...not a good thing. My voice gets all shrill and high pitched...ridiculous.
Also, the last few days at work have been stupid dumb. I tried to talk with a co-manager and it went to pot. I was so annoyed that I got up and left. I actually did the right thing before I left and apologized for getting angry. And in the middle of being rational and to the point, I got lame emotional and cried!!!?!?!?!? UGH!! My emotions BETRAYED ME!! The stretched face!! The warbly voice!!! Crush ALL emotions!! BAN them! DENY them!! Pfff...I can't. I wear them on my sleeve. It's terrible.
I feel like there's been a lot of loss in my life, family, etc. this year. I generally try not to think about it too much while I'm going through it, but when I stop this race for a second to catch my breath, it all catches up to me...and the world is quiet for a second...which is probably why I start running again.
It's not that I can't handle it...it just that sometimes I don't want to. So, I thought it a perfect throw-in to include a list of things I don't want to do:
- make my bed today. no one is going to see it. and sometimes, I LIKE it all messed up...that is, until my legs get all twisted up in unruly sheets and then I feel like my bed (that is really my friend) is trying to strangle me...can't.keep.my.feet.covered. Nope. They MUST stick out of the covers. Or I will suffocate. And die. Well, fine, not really die. But I will get icky sweaty and sometimes it feels like the same thing.
- eat parsley. i know it will freshen my breath. i still don't like it.
- take off my make up. i'm too tired. i'm too grouchy. i'm going to take a nap with it on. wait, that's actually gross...FINE, I'll take it off. But I won't be happy when i'm doing it.
- eat my kid's roasted macadamia nut. he found a macadamia nut on the ground and beat the shell off of it with a mallet. Then he stuck it with a shish-ka-bob stick and roasted over the flame of the stove. so much effort. meh, i still don't want to eat it. (actually, because I want him to eat it. he worked so hard, he deserves it. but back to my whining.)
- put on socks
- take a happy selfie
- lay on a wet towel
- talk to anyone happy
- snuggle with my man (he gets too sweaty because it's been way hot...and then I get hot and sweaty and feel like I'm going to die...well, not really like I'm going to die, but like i'm going to drown and that's pretty much the same thing. do NOT wrap your sweaty armpit around me. don't. not even a little. because i'm groucy.)
- kick a pillow
- scream at the top of my lungs in the back yard (wait, that will totally blow out my voice for the next three weeks...), k' fine, middle of my lungs.
- throw cotton balls around with all of my strength
- wear dark glasses so people can't see me glaring at them
- watch some annoying youtube videos so that I can judge people I don't know and feel better about myself (but I won't. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and feel bad for them probably.)
- chew on ice cubes. LOUD.
- do cartwheels like i don't give a care
- be in the glaciers
- or be in Paris
- even if it was swelteringly hot, i'd still rather be in Paris
- even though I've never been there before
I know you're saying that I should get a grip. And you're right...just not right now. I need to feel grouchy. And then I'll get over it. I don't need no sunshine and rainbows junk right now. I need to listen to Beastie Boys do their Superstition thing. I need to maybe do yoga at the same time. In front of fans so that I don't get sweaty and die (you know what I mean). And THEN be at a point where I can watch something funny and be happy.
I do this, you know? I get all of my angst out and then I'm fine. I will NOT pretend to be happy when I'm not. I will NOT pretend to be ok with my friend moving and losing our trio...I will be grateful, though, that I had the time to sing with her...even if it was too short. I will be grateful that I said what I needed to say to that co-manager dude...and rest in the fact that those emotions, though embarrassing, were true...and then some. I will give all of this noise the energy it needs and nothing more...and I will be cool with failing sometimes...or losing against my will...or being annoyed...in order to more fully be happy...eventually.
Unless we were in Paris. Then I would only be happy. Forever. Pretty much.