Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
I've come to realize that this spazzy, overactive mind of mine is getting me into trouble. I'm not sure what, if anything, you could recommend to force me to take a breath and absorb everything before I open my very big mouth. I think I've done this all my life - In stories and movies, I usually can see things before they happen. My kid and I have a thing where when we are watching a movie, and we get an inkling about what's going to happen, we pause the film and call it. "That guy's totally going to be the killer." Usually before a killer is even introduced. "That lady totally did it." Before the it ever happens. This occurs in conversation, too. It's like I see the natural progression of the tale before it goes and I find the humor or agony in it before the punchline is ever delivered. It's not uncommon for me to be the only one in the theater laughing. Or the only one shrinking in anxiety. But this thing/curse manages to haunt me in unexpected places where I should just shut up and listen before I throw in my witty (I really should let other people tell me they're witty) comments...which then make me look, well...ridiculous. For instance:
#she works where?
I was talking to a couple of friends and one brought up a story about a lady she worked with. She was a temporary employee who left and then came back. I thought the lady had left to pursue her schooling or do something relative to elementary education, but my friend told me, to the contrary, that said lady had spent the last few months working in a bra...now, this is where I asked her if she was going to say 'brothel'. Don't ask me why I thought that. The phonics triggered the completion of the word in my head. And I nervously giggled. This is where my friend (bless her) looked at me like I was an idiot (deservedly) and sternly corrected me. Bra Factory. She had been working at a Bra Factory (which I didn't even know existed locally). The other friend interjected that there wasn't much of a difference. We ALL know that there really is. Still, 'brothel' should NOT have been the first word I thought of...it should have been...well, I don't know another nice, conservative, non-implicative word that starts with bra...but, whatever. You know what I mean.
#first, let me take a selfie
Church is supposed to bring uplifting feelings. You're supposed to listen intently and become inspired. The key word is listen...and listen completely to, THEN, achieve a sense of inspiration. It's supposed to work that way. Sometimes, I get distracted. And I giggle. Profusely. I've got lots to work on. So, today, this darling lady comes to share a message she has diligently prepared. We had had some really beautiful music and she commented about how the music in and of itself presents a sermon (to which I whole-heartedly agree). It was almost like she was saying that she didn't need to give her talk because the music had given so much, but she knew/I knew/we all knew that her talk was happening...and she said, "but, let me take a moment." But that's not what I heard...what I heard was, "but, let me take a selfie." That's like your most pious and dear grandmother coming to you with some serious dialogue, only to throw in that catch phrase. It catches you unaware. And in that second...it was dangerously funny...dangerous because I sit facing the crowd (because I handle the music)...and there was no way to hide my shaking shoulders or my (albeit attempted) muted snorting. It made me look like I was laughing at this sweet woman...and that, friends, is bad. I'm admitting now that I'm a terrible influence. My only sincere hope is that you'll learn from my moments of buffoonery and become more complete, learned members of society. Graceful. Delicate.
Listen. And be well.