Thursday, September 17, 2015

#Prostitution...or something along those lines...

An actual email sent to my man. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Dear Life,

So, my grad school drama isn't going away...I may have to take a class hiatus after this term because the university won't have my OFFICIAL undergrad transcript (that my undergrad institution (hereafter, known as MUI (My Undergrad Institution)) is ruthlessly holding hostage). SO, I'm trying to come up with some creative ways to make the required amount to pay the remaining balance due to MUI that is not currently in my bank account so that I can get them off my back and set me free to pursue my dream of graduate school. It's not a lot of money, but still.

Ideas to make like $1,300 real quick:
- Ummm, prostitution? (which may create some undue hardship on my marriage, maybe? I hear women who ONLY cuddle WITH clothes on can make some serious bank.)
- Kidney donation
- Collecting an advance on donated organs prior to my death
- Selling all of the tires on my car (which may create some undue hardship on my work relationship? i dunno)
- Hocking my wedding ring (oh, wait, I don't have one)
- Hocking my birthday watch (oh, wait, I don't have that either...I think you have it because it got water under the pretty crystal face...or something...where is that thing?)
- Do you think someone would want to buy my hair or my toes or something? You know, something I wouldn't miss...


i need to make more bucks. so do you. i wish you could take care of me and say "i love you so much, i will take care of all of this and magically buy you boobs, too, and erase all of your student loans so that you can actually have and income, and don't worry, i've taken care of your law school tuition, too, and by the way we're going to tahiti for a month because that would be fun, and i know you're lonely, so i got you two british bulldog puppies, and that cayenne that you keep googling, it's in the garage of your house, yep, i bought you a house that's not in the middle of nowhere because i know you like to actually be around people, and did i tell you? you're the most amazing perfect wife in the whole entire world? go get a facial, and a massage, and i brought you some flowers, and i got you a lifetime membership to that hot yoga place, and a cello teacher, and watercolor painting lessons like you always wanted, and i took care of your studio fees to cut your album and here's a more better camera with a bunch of crazy lenses that are fun...wanna go to paris for christmas? me to, let's go, did i tell you you're the bestest wife ever? yep...let's have some ice cream."

i hate not having enough money. :(


My man replied: YOU SAID IT. XO love you

No comments:

Post a Comment